Life is a conversation
Actually many conversations, but they all share one thing in common. Every conversation is either based in fear or love. This is true for the conversations we have with other people, and this is true for the conversations we have with ourselves—inside our own heads.
When we change our conversations from fear to love, we change the nature of our lives and relationships.
I have come to the frightening conclusion that there is only one way for us to evolve. It is in learning to be in a conversation of love. Why do I frighten myself with this conclusion? Because I perceive the vast majority of people who are attempting to evolve—to grow—are traveling down the wrong path.
What do I mean when I say they are traveling down the wrong path?
The operative word is “down.” Most people are unintentionally activating the lower parts of their brains, traveling down from their higher to their lower brain centers—taking the low road. Our lower brain centers have a short-term focus (very short). The focus is one of protection and survival in the moment.
When our lower brain regions are stimulated we become passive-aggressive, outright aggressive, or we abandon.
When we are passive-aggressive we allow others to treat us “less than”—less than kind and less than respectful. In doing this we hurt ourselves and use the hurt to victimize ourselves.
When we are outright aggressive we behave poorly/immaturely, often hurting others and ourselves. We then defend by justifying our behaviors and insisting on being right. We make others wrong. We punish others, even those we love. We keep score. We build resentment. And we disappoint ourselves for being this way.
When we abandon, more often than not, we abandon ourselves.
We then attempt to identify the problem and find a solution, often with the help of a therapist or some new methodology—
One Minute Mindfulness
Two Ways of Praying
Three Keys To Living a Successful Life
The Four Agreements
The Five Languages of Love
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
And on and on . . .
But our good intentions—and even the useful skills and tools contained in these great books—pave the road to hell. The hell of the hamster wheel. Trying and trying . . . inching forward . . . occasional breakthroughs, but still living with angst and tension and conflict . . . up and down, around and around . . . repeating the same old patterns—and rarely bathing in the light of ease, intimacy and equanimity.
What to do? A new mindfulness practice. A new therapy. A new spiritual teacher.
All valuable and earnest attempts to create an easier, more joyful, healthier life . . . but still we find ourselves on the hamster wheel of self-improvement.
What’s the problem?
The problem is that every path is based on a conversation of fear. Not knowingly—absolutely not—but when we live in a world of right and wrong, believing that other people can hurt us, we are living in an emotional zero-sum universe. As soon as we frame the world in this way, we stimulate our own fears, and before the game begins, we lose.
What’s the solution?
Learning to live in a conversation of love.
A conversation of love is not a matter of being soft and gushy. It’s not a matter of clasping our hands in the prayer position and bowing when we meet other people on the path. It’s not handing someone a Kleenex when they cry. It’s not rescuing people from their pain.
A conversation of love is living without fear
A conversation of love is without blame, without victims, and without the fear that other people will hurt us. A conversation of love is self-respecting, personally revealing, and undefended.
In a conversation of love resistance is replaced with presence.
Wars of words are replaced with witnessing.
The past is past and the future holds hope.
This is possible
I just spent the last week living in a conversation of love. I witnessed twenty other people—mostly—living this way. This is what happens during a Live Conscious Retreat. We learn to live in a conversation of love.
As we enter into this new conversation, we quiet our lower brain centers and stimulate our higher brain centers.
We come into the present, pausing, choosing, and aligning our actions with our higher intentions, while feeling more empathy and compassion for others because we no longer feel threatened by them.
We stop complaining about what we didn’t get, and instead, we simply ask for what we want. We treat our partner as our friend and when feeling insecure, instead of turning away, we turn toward one another.
This is possible
The key is learning a new way to speak. I’m not talking about using regular language to have a kinder conversation; I’m talking about a new kind of conversation. This conversation, based on a new way to use language, is the key to the kingdom of love.
Disclaimer: This is a reminder that everything we present on this website is based on how we—the authors—have come to understand our world and our relationships. We help ourselves immensely with this approach. We invite you to explore and decide for yourself what works for you.
This is one of the most provocative and true for me blogs I have ever read. I have experienced many others, myself, and my partner shifting into a conversation of Love. The shift is so profound that only a paradigm shift comes close to describing the experience, not at all another set of tools. What so many of us have strived to accomplish for years can actually happen quite easily and quickly.