Respect yourself is the answer! What’s the question? Well, it comes in response to our most popular blog post: How To Find A Good Man
. As a result of that post we’ve received several specific emails asking for more advice on how to find a good man. I believe the most important thing you can do is respect yourself. Women—if you respect yourself you will attract good men like honey attracts bears.
When you respect yourself you send a message about how much you value yourself and how much you expect to be valued. This message speaks to every aspect of a romantic relationship, from expecting your opinion to be honored—even when it differs from your partner’s—to deciding when you will become sexual with a man you are dating. Based on my personal experience with my wife, Hannah, who informed me that she wouldn’t date me if I wasn’t willing to wait three months before becoming sexual—and my experience working with couples for twenty years—rushing into sexual relations decreases the chances of creating a sustainable romantic partnership.
Opening yourself slowly is a sign of self-respect. It’s a way of saying to a man, “You must earn entrance into my life, my psyche, my body. The more you prove yourself, the more I open to you.” If you open too quickly, you devalue yourself. Think of what you have to offer as precious . . . not to be casually offered to anyone. Let him earn the right. If he’s a good man, he’ll want to earn the right.
What happens when you open yourself slowly is that the man you are dating perceives you as more valuable. This will attract men with better self-esteem, because they think they deserve the prize (you), and it will discourage men with lower self-esteem, because they don’t think they deserve the best things in life.
And what’s the rush? Why do some women hurry to divulge everything about themselves, to start spending all their free time with a man, to talk to him multiple times per day, to fall into bed together before they’ve tested his integrity and seen him maturely deal with difficult situations. What’s the rush?
Whatever it is, it comes across as desperate or impulsive, not discerning and self respecting. Are there exceptions? Of course, there always are. Sometimes mature people date with the specific intention to satisfy their sexual desires. They may not even be looking to create a sustainable romantic partnership, but then, unexpectedly, they find that sex leads to a deeper kind of intimacy and they become interested in exploring a deeper relationship.
But, generally speaking, if you want to improve your chances for creating a sustainable romantic partnership, respect yourself and let him earn the right to slowly discover more you.