Why Can’t I Find A Good Man?

In my private counseling practice I work with a lot of women who ask the question, “Why can’t I find a good man?” I often point out the good news, which is that you’re only looking for one.

Today, I had a casual conversation with a woman who used to be a client. I haven’t worked with her for several years. She told me that she is finally happy and in a partnership with a really good man. She said that when she was my client, many of the things I tried to help her do to improve her relationships with men—well, they just didn’t make sense to her at the time.

She went on to explain that only after finding a good man was she willing to do things that resulted in a good partnership. She said it never made sense to her that it was better to love your partner than to be right. “I heard you say that about Hannah, and I sort of understood, but it only made sense after I found a really good man. Now, I’d much rather love him than be right.”

As I listened to her describe her new life I realize how much energy people waste trying to make a relationship work with someone who they don’t deeply love. Therapy can be helpful, but finding a person you love—in a healthy way—not a dependent way, is a prerequisite.

Love alone isn’t enough, but it’s essential. Other qualities are necessary, such as maturity, the ability to listen and resolve conflict, kindness, and shared values. When you have these—and deep love—relating is easy.

So, here’s the million dollar question—”How do I find a good man?” I’ll share my answer with you in my next blog…

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