Steven Stosny points out in his “Why Couples Fight” article, that people don’t really fight about the things we think they fight about but, rather, they fight when they believe their partner does not care about what they feel and about “the pain of disconnection.”
Stosny describes how we get into reactive situations with our partners partly due to our primitive, pre-verbal programming. He says that the couple may then think they have a’ communication problem’ rather than understanding this unconscious dynamic.
Live Conscious sees this is as a ‘communication problem’ as well. In fact, when you use Perception Language, you will learn to communicate in a way that helps you to disarm these thoughts before your words turn into weapons. This practice helps you to understand that your partner is not … actually cannot … do anything to you with their words. Whatever you are feeling is something you are doing to yourself. You will no longer see yourself as a victim. The other person says what they say, you make meaning of what they say, and then you react inappropriately or you respond appropriately.
With Perception Language, we eliminate blame and, in fact, we also do away with praise (not appreciation but praise). You will have to look deeper in this website to find out why no praise.
Once you clearly understand this idea … you will be able to pause long enough to reconsider and to make a choice: “what meaning do I want to make of this, where do I want this to go, and how do I want to respond? Do I want to fight or do I want to connect?” With this process, you have a chance to stay in control of your thoughts and stay connected with your partner.
Stosny points out, if the couple does not “blame it on each other, they can work together to disarm what is a really primitive, pre-verbal dynamic.” I see Perception Language as the perfect tool for the disarmament.
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