“How To Find A Good Man,” is a continuation from an earlier blog, “Why can’t I find a good man,” in which I suggest that many women attempt to force relationships to work with the wrong men. It’s as if these women try too hard. Ironically, if they are successful, they end up in a relationship in which they have to keep working hard.
There’s an easier way.
By the way, everything I’m saying in this article applies equally to men looking for good women. It’s just that in my experience, more women express their concern about the lack of good men compared to men who express their concern about the lack of good women.
How to find a good man—or partner—requires three things:
- Being the kind of person you want to attract
- Showing up fully and not holding yourself back
Yes, intolerance! Think of it like this, there are three stages to romantic relationships: dating, relating, and mating (mating being the equivalent of marriage). During the first stage—dating—you want to be intolerant of things that don’t work for you. This doesn’t mean you need to be rude or disrespectful, just firm. If your date picks you up late—and that really doesn’t work for you—let him know. If he does it again, tell him that if it happens one more time he’s out. Apply the three strikes and you’re out rule…
What a lot of people do early on in relationships is negotiate about everything, trying to be understanding, and compromising. These efforts may be appropriate once you get to the mating stage, but they are not appropriate in the dating stage. The dating stage should be easy. It’s a time to have fun, explore how your rhythms sync up, and figure out if you’ve got good chemistry—which can be pretty well determined from first base.
If you’re too tolerant during the dating stage you’re sending a signal that you are willing to tolerate less than what you really want. You’re setting the bar low and you’ll end up with a partner who can’t jump very high.
The second key to attracting a good man—or partner—is to be the person you want to attract. If you say you want a partner who is mature, reliable, financially stable and able to communicate well—you need to be that person. Relationships work best when like attracts like. If you find someone to compensate for your limitations, it’s too easy to become dependent on that person. More often than not such dependency leads to problems.
The third key to attracting a good man or partner is to show up and say, “This is me.” Don’t hold back or only put forth your best self. This is a common, but flawed strategy—waiting until you are invested in the relationship before showing him or telling him whatever it is that you think he may not want to see or hear. Put yourself out there before you are deeply invested. If the other person doesn’t respond well—move on, you’ve got nothing to lose.
I recently worked with a client, a man, whose female partner of two months asked, “Are you in love with me?” The man made himself nervous with her question. Out of fear that she would disapprove of his answer—because he couldn’t say “yes”—he sidestepped her question, leaving it unanswered. He missed an opportunity to show up, and instead he justified (to himself) his lack of forthrightness as a way to “avoid conflict and hurt feelings.” But by not showing up, he missed the opportunity to clarify their relationship. He acted as if there was a “right” answer and a “wrong” answer, and he didn’t want to be wrong.
But had he told her the truth he would have been showing her that he was honest and trustworthy. He would have been moving toward her even though he couldn’t tell her he was in love with her. Instead, he deceived her.
From a Live Conscious point of view, honesty delivered kindly is more respectful than protecting someone from the truth.
I’ve enjoyed almost twenty years of marriage. Our experience of being a couple has been simple and delightful. Neither of us tolerated any baloney when we first got together. We both try to be the kind of person we want to be with. And we’re both committed to showing up.
I’m convinced that if we honestly show up, the answers to our questions will become obvious, and we’ll know how to proceed. I realize that sometimes we fear the answers, but by avoiding them—which is really avoiding ourselves—we waste precious time.
When we don’t show up, or we aren’t honest, our relationships drift into the territory of hallucinations. The result is misunderstandings, power struggles, resentment and a lack of true intimacy.
You may challenge yourself with my formula for how to find a good man or how to attract a good partner, but I assure you that this works. If this approach feels difficult, that’s just because it’s unfamiliar. But ask yourself how well your strategy—the one you’ve relied on for years—is working. If it worked well you wouldn’t still be searching for a good partner. So, although my approach may feel difficult at first, if you do this—living, partnering, and relating will be easier.
The other thing you can do, which will help you be more honest with your partner, is learn Perception Language. Come join us at one of our Live Conscious Retreats. Only by immersing yourself in this process are you likely to truly learn this new way of speaking to yourself and other people.
OK BUT WHAT IF YOU DO EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING AND NOTHING WORKS THEN WHAT
Jo Jo — REALLY? You’ve really done all of this? I’d like to hear more. Are you intolerant of people who are immature…and you quickly move on? Are you really being the kind of person you want to attract? What kind of person is that? How do you demonstrate you are this kind of person? And do you really not hold back? If not, what’s that look like? Are you showing up so fully that you scare people away? Tell me more. I’m interested.
That hits the target pefrtelcy. Thanks!
This sounds like it would work pretty well. All I need to do is put myself back out there to date so I can try it.
If you are clean and hard working good guys will come to you !! That’s how I chose my wife ! Honest .
I was , soo honest and leary.. I let him give me the,don’t lie,don’t steal. and don’t cheat line. Taking him to his band practice,his phone kept ring’n. I was driving and told him to answer it. Woow The ex he lied about living with. The gal he claimed stole a check 500.00. She was on the phone.! Him and i were friends and i hope we are when i leave. It’s been 8 years and only gotten worse. I refuse to get back into anyone serouisly. Just lookin for fun and friend ship..maybe something deeper!
This is great! I really felt alot of trust in this article. I like the way it’s been written to the point, with simple, yet informative information.
As for myself, I’ve been single for 3 1/2 years almost, after a 7 year relationship.
This is the first time I’ve been single as an adult but have been researching men’s behaviour/relationship advice for a good 6 years.
I’m now thinking that it would be nice to meet someone within the next few years and within that time I know that their needs to be much work done on myself.
I’m glad that I read the article. Thankyou 🙂
well there are many of us very serious guys looking to meet a good woman to share our life with too.
The Very Truth…As I often say to my clients, “you’re just looking for one person.” Everything I’ve written in this article applies to us guys, as well as to women. We need to be intolerant if our partners behave immaturely. We need to be the kind of person we say we want to be with. And we need to show up fully—and demonstrate our emotional intelligence as well as other forms of intelligence.
Thanks for commenting.
I have practice your rules without reading your article because I believe is trust, honesty, loyalty and communication. I have a health condition and once I mention that to the guy I meet that is a no-no for a relationship. Then, that shows me, that there is not a “good men” out there”.
Hello Martha, Maybe you have not met a “good man” yet, but that doesn’t mean that there are not good men “out there.” If you hold the belief that there are not good men, it makes it much harder to find one and you might not even see them when they do show up. So, I encourage you to open your mind to the possibility that there are good men.
This is SO TRUE – and I really like that you mentioned “intolerance.” What I didn’t realize is that I should be VERY intolerant of anyone who does not drink responsibly. Even if he doesn’t drink every day, if he binge drinks … that is still a type of alcohol abuse.
The other thing to be Intolerant of is men who talk about their exes all the time. It seems forgivable in the beginning, especially if they have to co-parent with their ex. But … if there is constant drama from the ex-relationship, no matter who’s fault it is … it can REALLY interfere with YOUR happiness.
I always felt like I was being a JERK for not being more understanding of their difficulties, but the reality is that – in the beginning, I need to be sure that I have what I need out of the relationship and not bend over backwards to accommodate someone else’s situation.
Hi Corri, thanks for your comments. I understand your concern about not wanting to come across as a jerk, and the key is how we communicate. If we communicate what we want and what we will NOT tolerate in a kind and mature way——that’s not being a jerk. It’s being clear and respectful. Best to you.
I enjoyed reading your article. I met someone years ago but it was nothing more than a professional interaction. I have his number and Im nervous of his rejection. After reading your article I feel more confident to reach out. We only have 1 life to live and its short. If it doesn’t work out, nothing to lose. I invested 15 years and 3 kids with the wrong person because of everything you mentioned. Thank you for writing this very encouraging piece